Jill's Blog #10- What is Family? (Part I)

When I was younger, my horizons were limited to a traditional family including a mother, father and their birth children; and extended family with grandparents, aunt & uncles, first cousins, and maybe a few scattered second cousins. Then, during my Peace Corps tour, my whole perspective on family was challenged. First of all, polygamy is common in the Central African Republic (CAR). I must admit that I was initially aghast. I couldn’t fathom intimacy with my husband, being shared with one or two other women. I gradually came to realize that most Central African wives don’t have the kind of intimate relationship with their husband that is common in the US. A wife’s role in CAR was to bear and raise her husband’s children.

Women in CAR lead a grueling life tending the fields; hauling wood and drinking water from distant places; and day in, and day out, labor intensive preparation of food for their passel of children. Polygamous wives often shared a “sisterhood” in which they supported each other and worked together to lessen the arduous family responsibilities. It was a common sight in the evening, to see women clustered outside of their huts after toiling in the hot sun all day. From my hut, I vicariously enjoyed hearing them chat and laugh amongst themselves as they coiffed each other’s hair.

I volunteered for the Peace Corps to “help people in need.” Little did I know how much the woman would be an inspiration to me. Despite living a life of constant duress between the constant work and struggle to have enough food to feed their family, and dealing with rampant illness without medicine to treat it, their smile and laughter defied what they endured on a daily basis. I saw that their joy for life was fueled through their shared connections and support for each other. The first six months I lived in CAR, I was extremely lonely, because I didn’t feel a common bond and connection with people there.

Kin in CAR “share, and share alike”. The notion of fending for oneself is a foreign concept. Very few Central Africans accumulate possessions or money because of the expectation to spread it throughout the family to those in need. Simply put, in CAR you assume responsibility to take care of kin, regardless of how remotely related they might be and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never become rich.

While there, I hired a teen named “Lucy,” who lived next door to me to haul my water from a watering hole half a mile away. She also hand washed my clothes over rocks and pressed them with an iron heated with wood embers. (I had a kerosene burner to cook my meals while my neighbors cooked over a fire. I lived a life of luxury compared to most). When Lucy and I developed a kinship, her family adopted me into their family. I remember my pots and pans started appearing over at their hut. I was initially indignant, feeling that they were stealing from me and that I was being taken advantage of. Then I felt ashamed when I came to realize as one of their kin, it had switched in their eyes from “my” to “all of our” possessions. When I realized there was no ill intention, if I was missing something, I’d simply head over to their hut to collect it. Although they didn’t have many material goods to share with me, they often brought me food they prepared, despite their meager rations, and were immediately at my side if I was ill.

I came home from CAR with a less rigid outlook on family and kinship. What became important to me were not the family structure, but the connections and support between family members. So when I took my first job as a nurse practitioner I lived in an isolated mountain town in Colorado, and sorely missed the support and connections of my immediate family in the Northeast. Early in my job, I made a home visit to an elderly neighbor who was ill. What little did I know that she would become known to us as “Grandma Knobbe,” and I would make a daily visit, not as a nurse, but because I yearned to hear one more of her stories, or to seek out her sage advice. I’m certain we wouldn’t have moved back East if she was still alive.Yup,on this bike trip, I look forward to on rekindling connections with old friends and making new ones along the way.