Jill's Blog #11- What is Family (Part II)

I vividly remember back to nursing school in 1982, and it was 2:00 AM. The manual typewriter which was given to me from my parents as a high school graduation present was perched on my lap. Several empty bottles of white-out, surrounded by shreds of eraser, and a large cup of coffee from Daylight Donuts sat on the floor next to me. I had a 15 page research paper to complete by 8:00 AM and I was on page #9. My eyes felt like my “Tiny Tears” doll I had as a kid. Due to dryness and fatigue, each blink was mechanical. Earlier in the evening, when I made more than a few typo errors, I ripped the page out of the typewriter and started anew. As the night progressed, more and more eraser and white-out marks were evident on the typed pages. Fast forward to 2010, and a laptop computer sits on my lap. I have learned how to cut and paste…no more eraser and white-out, and I can navigate the internet. A whole new horizon in communication has opened up to me.

My horizons regarding relationships have also changed over the years. Growing up, I had a fairytale perception of family… a man and a woman,”fell in love at first sight;” got married; and raised only two children, (so as to not contribute to over population). Then I came home from the Peace Corps feeling like I was a “New Age” woman with a broadened perception and acceptance of what a family might be. After all, I had come to accept polygamy, (which was practiced in the Central African Republic); single parent families; and homosexual head of households as just some of a multitude of normal family configurations.

At times I’m a slow learner… it wasn’t until my late twenties that I figured out what I wanted in a long-term relationship. Up until then, they were superficial, conditional and with little potential for growth. Then Todd entered into my life. He was the opposite of previous boyfriends. He was one of the most earnest, down to earth and genuine people I’d ever met…indeed irresistible. Instead of feeling like I was sacrificing part of myself by being in a relationship, with Todd, I felt like the two of us together were more than each of us individually. But was I ready to embrace the fact that Todd had a toddler from his previous marriage? Was I ready to become part of his already established family?

After soul searching, I decided I was ready to get married and make a life together with Todd and his son Evan. Being a step-parent I imagine is like an arranged marriage. You learn to synchronize the dance of your relationship, with a lot of trial and errors in the process. I had a preconceived notion of how I would mold Evan. Being the very independent sort, Evan quickly made it clear that I wasn’t about to mold him...Through time we established a relationship and I have grown to love Evan as a son.

Then I gave birth to Bryce. By then it felt natural being a mother and I rather enjoyed the role. When we decided to have another child, things went awry. I had two miscarriages and a birth loss. We decided we couldn’t handle the possibility of another loss, so we pursued an open adoption…initially a foreign concept to us.

Claudia came into our lives when she was a teen and eight months pregnant. Eleven years later, she feels like family to me. Claudia made an incredibly mature and courageous decision to plan for an adoption since she felt she wasn’t ready at that point in her life to be a parent. Through the Lutheran Family Services we planned for an open adoption. Among other applicants, Claudia chose our family to raise Mallory. I’ll never forget the call from the hospital informing us that Claudia was in labor. Todd, Bryce and I piled into the car and raced to the hospital outside of Denver.

In one week-end, we became immersed in Claudia’s and her extended family’s lives. I’ve never before nor since have felt such a spectrum of emotions from immense joy with the birth of our daughter Mallory, to empathetic pain for Claudia and her family, as they relinquished Mallory to our love and care. I often look at the framed picture of six year old Bryce, proudly holding his newborn sister in the nursery, and I am so thankful for the symbolic adoption ceremony in the hospital. Claudia is now 29 and owns a business with her brother; Evan is 23, living with his girlfriend and is in graduate school; Bryce is 17 and Mallory is 11 and both are thriving. Life is good…

I’ll begin my bicycle journey this summer in Colorado with Mallory, my nephew Trevor, and Carol who I biked across the country with in 1979, and haven’t seen in many years. Bryce will join us a week later and Todd and friends for the last week of the trip. I recently received a call from Claudia, stating that she can drive our support wagon from Colorado through Missouri. Evan or his girlfriend Brooke, might be able to drive support wagon for the second leg of the trip, and my sister will drive the last leg of the trip. My goal of including family and friends to join me on this journey is becoming a reality. It feels deeply affirming to have support from family and friends, and I feel blessed to be part of a rich and diverse family with deep connections.