Jill's Blog #9-The Insidious Nature of Fear

I began this blog three months ago and this is the 5th time I’ve come back to it, hoping this time the words will come to me. Since it has been so difficult to formulate, I know it must be a core issue of mine, and for which I have a hard time gaining insight.

What I do know, is that I sometimes fear the unknown; am wired for a fight or flight response, ever ready for “the next shoe to drop;” and have a keen imagination. Not always a healthy combination of attributes! Since my surgery, I have struggled with an insidious fear of breast cancer recurrence. I don’t consciously think about it, but I know it must be an issue because I am reluctant to do a breast self examination, (BSE). It’s my form of denial. If I don’t feel lumps, then I don’t have to address it.

About a month after my surgery, following three days of psychically preparing myself, I did a breast self examination. I was so relieved to not palpate any unusual lumps or bumps. I was also felt proud of myself that I took a proactive approach instead of allowing an insidious fear to take hold, preventing me from taking action.

A month passed, so I knew it was time to do my monthly BSE. This time I wasn’t as hesitant. As I palpated my breast, I felt lumps that hadn’t been there the previous month. My worst fear came true…Immediately numerous scenarios raced through my head. The rational side of me acknowledged that it was unlikely breast cancer since it developed so quickly, and it made most sense that they were benign cysts which I’ve contended with my whole adult life. Then the insidious fear slithered its way into my conscience. What if it was a rapidly growing cancer? What if all of the doctors who assured me that my cancer was cured were wrong? Then the familiar self doubt crept in. Was I mistaken the previous month that I was lump free? Was I really feeling lumps? Was I simply being paranoid, allowing it to get in the way of my healing process?

After spending a week ruminating about what I should do, and meanwhile my night-time hot flashes had escalated because of my stress, I asked my husband to palpate to see if he felt lumps, which he did. After discussing it with Todd, I decided to make an appointment with my breast cancer radiologist, but first I had to play the insurance game to be seen. I’ve been fighting with the insurance company since my breast cancer diagnosis. They initially denied all of the bills because they weren’t “properly reported”. (That’s a future blog). Anyway, because I have HMO insurance, I had to first see my primary physician who indeed confirmed there were lumps, who then referred me back to my specialist. The process delayed me from seeing my specialist for three weeks. I had plenty of time to become a quagmire of irrational fear.

Fortunately after a mammogram and ultrasound, the radiologist assured me that the lumps were due to post surgical changes and would eventually resolve. She told me that this was my new base-line topography for BSE. I asked her if she recommended doing breast self examinations, since it is no longer recommended that women perform their own BSEs, since mammogram screenings can pick up masses undetectable to palpation. She said that she’s had patients who’ve discovered their cancer during BSE, so she encouraged me to continue.

Yesterday it was over a month since I saw the radiologist. It was time for my BSE. I know my baseline, but what if I felt new lumps? If I didn’t do a BSE, then I couldn’t feel new lumps, but then I’d allow insidious fear to raise its ugly head. ..So despite being I 53 years old, I am determined to change my modus operandi. I vowed I would do my BSE.

Today I can report that I did my BSE and there are no new lumps or bumps. It feels good to be taking one day at a time, celebrating all that I have to be thankful for, and taking at face value, each real challenge which passes my way. It’ll be a slow process changing my ways, but a middle aged mom can learn new tricks.