Jill's Blog#1-How it Began

Wow, here I am, 53 years old and blogging... Despite my Luddite tendencies, I am venturing forth to communicate via a technology which baffles me, in hopes that it'll be more accessible. I feel compelled to document this particular journey in my life for the sake of my children. (And perhaps friends have had similar experiences they can relate to, or that blogging will have some cathartic affect on me). I want my children to see that at all ages we face obstacles for which we have a choice to confront or succumb. And that the path we choose, isn't always clear-cut or easy to follow.

My breast cancer journey began last August following a routine screening mammogram. I was called back to have a repeat mammogram which has been a common occurance over the years because of my lumpy breasts, (or in medical lingo- fibrocystic breasts). Over the course of a month I moved from one test to the next, in order to rule-out cancer. Depending upon my metal attitude du jour, the unknowing was a distant, worrisome nag, or on some days a consuming fret. I am certain that having children prevented me from falling into a wallow of self pity. As a parent, I feel I must put on a front as a pillar of strength and frequently a nagging inner voice tells me, "Jill whether it's positive or negative behavior, remember you're modeling to the kids." I wish my id would take over more often...

Last September, what started off as a biopsy, turned into a lumpectomy. It was determined that I had an early, noninvasive breast cancer. It was a great relief to have a diagnosis with an excellent prognosis. After a month of an emotional roller coaster, I figured I was back to relatively smooth sailing, riding high with a new lease on life. I was determined to start meditating; eat healthy; exercise; and stop sweating the small stuff.

Within a week, the road started to get bumpy again. I expected to see a 1 inch incision when I took the bandage off, and instead it was a 31/2 inch incision, and after the swelling had subsided, that breast was a cup size smaller. I didn't anticipate adjusting to an altered body image. Ping, I suddenly wasn't riding quite so high on life...

Then the feelings of ambivalence regarding treatment settled in…Since my breast cancer was diagnosed early on, the recommendations to prevent cancer recurrence were unclear due to limited research with outcomes to support treatment versus non-treatment. My options were radiation, Tamoxifen, both, or none of the above. I longed for the specialists to tell me what to do. Had my cancer been further advanced, they would have made a recommendation. After a month, my indecision was becoming a decision. I forced myself to arrange one more visit with the radiology oncologist, and after consternation decided for non-treatment since the benefits of radiation or Tamoxifen appeared to be limited. Instead I decided to focus on my life style.

Now the responsibility for my health and well being clearly rested on me. It would have been so much easier to have 5 weeks of radiation treatment and be blanketed in a false security that I prevented any chance for cancer recurrence. I wondered if I had made the right decision.