Jill's Blog #4-Facing Fear

I had an initial feeling of accomplishment figuring out how to post a blog, which then morphed into anxiety. My immediate impulse was to erase them. For the first time, I exposed my guarded secrets. What if people couldn’t understand what I was trying to express? What if they couldn’t relate to them, which was one of my motivations for posting them? What if instead of relating, friends and family felt pity reading the blogs? What if instead of a stronger connection, it made them feel awkward? I can empathize with the angst teenagers feel, wanting to feel like they fit in and connect with their tribe, wanting to reach out, but not sure how to…

So I’ve suppressed pushing the delete buttons to erase the blogs. Todd, (my rock), encouraged me to keep writing about my feelings and down the road I’d find my inner voice; to keep writing for introspection, staying true to my authentic self. He encouraged me to not worry about people’s reaction, as it’ll vary greatly, depending on where their coming from.

I suspect if I took a poll, people would say that I don’t live with fear and that perhaps I’m even fearless when they look at my adventuresome past. I’ve been a Sherpa for friends climbing Mt. Denali; trekked the Himalayas; volunteered with Frontier Nursing Service in Appalachian Kentucky for two summers; travelled the world on a shoe-string; been in the Peace Corps in Africa; biked across the country; and embarked on a biking trip in New Zealand/Australia with our 6 week old infant. Many of the trips have included friends and family.

What many don’t realize is that fear has ruled much of my life. Not an outward fear, but an inward, insidious fear masked by my stoicism. I would even venture to guess that a component of my love of adventure is a quest to better understand my inners fears. I can best pinpoint it to a fear of rejection and loss of control which manifests itself as anxiety. As I sit here reflecting, I am wondering if the root of those fears is my lack of unconditional acceptance of me- both my strengths and challenges.

The people who have been the most inspiration to me, and seem to be the happiest, are people who’ve had the humility and courage to accept, encounter, and learn to navigate through their challenges and use them to their advantages. They unconditionally accept themselves with no apologies. It’s the ones who move through each day, embracing the mosaic of events. It’s people who make interconnections as the core of their experiences; who nurture themselves; and are able to support others by having the strength to let go.

So I won’t push the delete button. For this moment, I am free of anxiety and am accepting and embracing my challenges. For this moment, I am unconditionally accepting myself. A step towards wholly healing…